Everyting needs an intro!

I guess it has been some years since I have had a website up. It's difficult when you want to share but the thought of communicating your message imperfectly scares you so much that you never say anything at all. I think that is why the site has been down for so long. I just recently got out of the hospital and, while I have been home for a week, it is difficult to adjust.

Make no mistake, however; this website is for me. It is designed by me for me to be managed by the tools I enjoy using. I am pushing passed the need to perfect this before getting it out there. I am doing a lot to learn about and better myself, actually. I'm in an out-patient program right now which will last another month or so. I'm trying to get back into writing as it's a pretty healthy outlet.

The thing that I don't like about writing, however, is that my thoughts become easy to access. I can spill them out on the page and there is an embarrassing sense of permanence when I do. I do not like to share and often, as many people do, when I return to an idea, I am critical of myself.

I have tried journaling before. Like any piece of important information, I treat the book itself with an almost religious respect. I have heard it said before not to "fall in love with your own ideas." I greatly suffer from this problem, I believe.

Journaling is a great tool, don't get me wrong. I just find it more helpful to express my thoughts in other ways, through other mediums. I intend to use this site to express my creativity through my work. While the specific intent of writing this site now is to make public my confessions, I hope to use this space to share more openly the things that drive me, both with others and to myself. I'm certain I will be surprised with what I will learn.

Oh my Lord and my God, I am so sorry for what I have done to my loved ones. To the depth that I can understand wrongdoing, I am not exempt from it; my faults are not sickness alone. The gravity and the intimacy of the actions I have committed against those individuals are extreme, and I am deeply regretful. I tresspassed personal boundaries and rights and I am truly sorry. While I do not have a right to forgiveness, I hope for mercy and wisdom.

I am prepared to walk with my guilt but also to demonstrate the lessons learned from this ordeal. Knowing it is my duty to press onward, beyond my pain, and to learn to stand as an individual person, knowing the familial bonds that I broke in the process, I ask myself whether I have learned from this and am truly ready to move forward.

Although it came at great cost, yes I am.

Posted on Sunday, June 17 2018